PAGE 2 / YOU.NOT TO BE HERE / DIARY OF A YOUNG HEART /

Sometimes I wish that I could run across you on the street, or I could accidentally bump into you in a strange city, as long as we are still living on the same planet.

I secretly keep that thought to myself and live on until now, and as we all know, I don’t even catch a sight of you anywhere. I don’t care at all, because I know life isn’t a fairytale, I have no fairy who grants my wish. I just feel like missing you like crazy when my life turns dark and things turn into chaos. I miss you even more when I lean on the balcony with my cup of coffee looking up at the purple sky after a heavy rain. You knew that I was mad whenever I lean on my balcony saying nothing, and you made me a cup of coffee. I’m lost in my own life because you are not here to guide me anymore, I barely move anywhere but standing still. And yes, I’m stuck in our memories.

Don’t you tell me to lie down and cry when I feel like that.

I did, and do always lie down crying, waiting for you to come and wipe my tears all away. It was you who stop me from all the madness inside me, when this whole world freaks me out. I’m scared of people, I’m afraid of relationships, and I hate everything which comes close to me even it was you. I have an odd thought about everyone I met, and everyone is complicated, everyone is unpredictable, and I’m not going to trust any of them. You know that, and I know that you know. ‘How can you let me be the one you love without trusting me?’ – that question you asked was carved into my heart.

Did I forget to answer you again?

I don’t even have the strength to trust my own self, I have nothing to look forward to since I was born – a little girl who’s left behind the wall, learnt to face this cold world, nasty people, dirty hand. I was such a naughty kid, and growing up becoming a naughty person, until you. I never give a damn about anything, and of course never feel like being a better one. ‘I see the nice side of you, that’s more than enough for me. ‘Cause there’s no good, no bad, nothing is important. It is this moment, when you are here with me, this is all the best thing in my life.’ – I can never forget what you said to me the day I ran away from home, when my life cracked into pieces, and I set them all on fire with my own hands. I never wanted to care, I never wanted to look back, but you saw the pain that I tried to hide, you dug it all up and helped me handle myself.

‘I need you’

The feeling that you don’t say, you’ll regret. No matter how hard you try to cover that lost, the hole is on your chest to stay forever. No matter how far you run away, the pain is there to chase you down. I was just too scared to admit that I lost you because I didn’t try to hold your hands for once.

And now,

My mind is screaming your name, my brain is looping your smile, everything is spinning because of you – not to be here.

page 1 / you.not to be here / diary of a young heart /

I miss you here and there, once in a while, sometimes it lasts all day long, sometimes it doesn’t show up. I miss you more while looking up at the sky at 6 pm, when things start to turn to black and the light soon will be disappeared. I miss you when you hold my shoulder tightly and whisper to my ear ‘it’s ok if you want to give up’, and then I keep moving on. I miss you more when you put a note on my sketch book to tell me not to open it because you know I have no inspiration at all just by looking at my face at 9 am.

Do you remember my favorite song?

The one that made me cry all day long while hiding in my blanket for a week straight, yes, that stupid song. It’s funny that I’m still crying listening to it now. One tiny thing that changed is you’re not here anymore, there’s no hot mint tea and brownie for those cold days anymore. I really don’t know how on Earth that you could come up with an idea of mint tea for me, didn’t you know I love orange tea? I remember it was raining back to those old days, you came and sat on the floor with your head leaned on my bed, I know you were listening to me sobbed like a child. ‘How can you love the song that makes you cry this much?’ – you had this same question repeated over and over.

I never have an answer for that question, just like I had no answer for you the day you went out of my life. I didn’t know it will lead me to so much misery, not because I didn’t try to keep you by my side, but because of ignoring your question.

‘Life is just a slice of pizza. Eat it’

That’s your motto, not mine. How can you eat this whole messy and crazy world, it tastes awful. You knew I would never listened when you tried to tell me to stand up straight and leave all my bad days behind, but at least you tried, not like me, I never tried to listen to you.

These days,

I wake up late, I work so hard, do everything that I can just to forget the fact that I’m missing you more than ever, that love doesn’t mean you and me together, it is what it is and how it is. So you can go as far from me as you want to and I can live my life as crazy as I want to. We might never have a chance to meet again and I’m cool with that, because letting you go is the only way to say love, and letting you go is the only way to love you.

 

Life was so easy when I’m with you and now all I know is missing you, more and more when I feel like being knocked out by life, tough time comes and I’m weak, one thing missing is you’re not here anymore, not by my side from now ’till forever. That is the hardest thing of all, you – not to be here.