PAGE 2 / YOU.NOT TO BE HERE / DIARY OF A YOUNG HEART /

Sometimes I wish that I could run across you on the street, or I could accidentally bump into you in a strange city, as long as we are still living on the same planet.

I secretly keep that thought to myself and live on until now, and as we all know, I don’t even catch a sight of you anywhere. I don’t care at all, because I know life isn’t a fairytale, I have no fairy who grants my wish. I just feel like missing you like crazy when my life turns dark and things turn into chaos. I miss you even more when I lean on the balcony with my cup of coffee looking up at the purple sky after a heavy rain. You knew that I was mad whenever I lean on my balcony saying nothing, and you made me a cup of coffee. I’m lost in my own life because you are not here to guide me anymore, I barely move anywhere but standing still. And yes, I’m stuck in our memories.

Don’t you tell me to lie down and cry when I feel like that.

I did, and do always lie down crying, waiting for you to come and wipe my tears all away. It was you who stop me from all the madness inside me, when this whole world freaks me out. I’m scared of people, I’m afraid of relationships, and I hate everything which comes close to me even it was you. I have an odd thought about everyone I met, and everyone is complicated, everyone is unpredictable, and I’m not going to trust any of them. You know that, and I know that you know. ‘How can you let me be the one you love without trusting me?’ – that question you asked was carved into my heart.

Did I forget to answer you again?

I don’t even have the strength to trust my own self, I have nothing to look forward to since I was born – a little girl who’s left behind the wall, learnt to face this cold world, nasty people, dirty hand. I was such a naughty kid, and growing up becoming a naughty person, until you. I never give a damn about anything, and of course never feel like being a better one. ‘I see the nice side of you, that’s more than enough for me. ‘Cause there’s no good, no bad, nothing is important. It is this moment, when you are here with me, this is all the best thing in my life.’ – I can never forget what you said to me the day I ran away from home, when my life cracked into pieces, and I set them all on fire with my own hands. I never wanted to care, I never wanted to look back, but you saw the pain that I tried to hide, you dug it all up and helped me handle myself.

‘I need you’

The feeling that you don’t say, you’ll regret. No matter how hard you try to cover that lost, the hole is on your chest to stay forever. No matter how far you run away, the pain is there to chase you down. I was just too scared to admit that I lost you because I didn’t try to hold your hands for once.

And now,

My mind is screaming your name, my brain is looping your smile, everything is spinning because of you – not to be here.

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